G.I. MySpace Awards - Round 2
It should be noted before we begin that I am a professional, and that you should NEVER, under any circumstances, attempt to view the MySpace website without professional guidance, or at least some form of eye protection. I know it's cliche, but don't try this at home.
Let's start out with a new award: Best MySpace Angles
For those of you who may not know, "angles" are a way for people who would seem unattractive in normal pictures to seem mysterious, and possibly even attractive on their MySpace profile. You see, ugly people often take close up, odd-angled pictures for their profiles with the main intention of either showing off only their good parts, or of hiding some flaw (i.e. beer guts, turkey necks, disfiguring scars, etc.) Beware the angles, for beyond them lie ugly people.
The winner of this award is Beth.
As you can see, Beth's picture is a classic example of "angling." There is no real reason why Beth could not have moved the camera two inches to the left in this picture. Notice how you can't see any of the body, and only half of the face? It's obvious that she is hiding something. What's wrong, Beth? My working theory is that she got in an accident involving a milk truck, a speed bump, and thousands of cats, forever scarring the right side of her face, and leaving her lower body in shreds. Anyway, it makes as much sense as taking a picture of 1/15 of your body and showing it off to everyone!
This week also marks the first recipient of the "Confused Aparently Transgendered Marilyn Manson Look-alike Award" Can you feel the excitement? I can, sort of.
The winner of the CATMMLAA this week is Taime!
Taime's profile proudly proclaims that (s)he is, in fact, my evil. Well, that's great!
The only redeeming quality of Taime's myspace page is this picture left by one of His/Her friends:
Congratulations again, Taime! I hope the cat is OK!
The third and final award of the day is the Level 3 Communications "Bandwidth Whore of the Week!" This award, which is sponsored by Level 3 Communications*, goes to the person who eats up all of my damn bandwidth with as much useless shit as possible.
And this week's winner is FALLEN ANGEL!
Among the many useless things on his site are an automatically-playing song, a custom playboy cursor, and enough pictures to make an art museum jealous. Upon loading FALLEN ANGEL's page, my ISP called me to make sure I wasn't getting DOS'ed. I told them "No, I just clicked on some MySpace retard's profile," to which they replied "Oh. I'm sorry to hear that."
If there's one thing I hate, it's a bandwidth whore. Congratulations, FALLEN ANGEL, for reaching the pinnacle of success: My top 10 most hated people on the internet list! The many benefits of this exclusive brotherhood include being hated by me, and umm... that's it, really.
Anyway, Congratulations to all of the winners. And until next time, remember to get your MySpace using friends spayed or neutered.
*Note: By "sponsored by Level 3 Communications," I mean "sponsored by a stockholder of Level 3 Communications." Namely, me. For those of you who don't get the joke, Level 3 is one of the biggest internet backbone providers in the country. Basically, they provide bandwidth to places like AOL and other ISPs.
Let's start out with a new award: Best MySpace Angles
For those of you who may not know, "angles" are a way for people who would seem unattractive in normal pictures to seem mysterious, and possibly even attractive on their MySpace profile. You see, ugly people often take close up, odd-angled pictures for their profiles with the main intention of either showing off only their good parts, or of hiding some flaw (i.e. beer guts, turkey necks, disfiguring scars, etc.) Beware the angles, for beyond them lie ugly people.
The winner of this award is Beth.
As you can see, Beth's picture is a classic example of "angling." There is no real reason why Beth could not have moved the camera two inches to the left in this picture. Notice how you can't see any of the body, and only half of the face? It's obvious that she is hiding something. What's wrong, Beth? My working theory is that she got in an accident involving a milk truck, a speed bump, and thousands of cats, forever scarring the right side of her face, and leaving her lower body in shreds. Anyway, it makes as much sense as taking a picture of 1/15 of your body and showing it off to everyone!
This week also marks the first recipient of the "Confused Aparently Transgendered Marilyn Manson Look-alike Award" Can you feel the excitement? I can, sort of.
The winner of the CATMMLAA this week is Taime!
Taime's profile proudly proclaims that (s)he is, in fact, my evil. Well, that's great!
The only redeeming quality of Taime's myspace page is this picture left by one of His/Her friends:
Congratulations again, Taime! I hope the cat is OK!
The third and final award of the day is the Level 3 Communications "Bandwidth Whore of the Week!" This award, which is sponsored by Level 3 Communications*, goes to the person who eats up all of my damn bandwidth with as much useless shit as possible.
And this week's winner is FALLEN ANGEL!
Among the many useless things on his site are an automatically-playing song, a custom playboy cursor, and enough pictures to make an art museum jealous. Upon loading FALLEN ANGEL's page, my ISP called me to make sure I wasn't getting DOS'ed. I told them "No, I just clicked on some MySpace retard's profile," to which they replied "Oh. I'm sorry to hear that."
If there's one thing I hate, it's a bandwidth whore. Congratulations, FALLEN ANGEL, for reaching the pinnacle of success: My top 10 most hated people on the internet list! The many benefits of this exclusive brotherhood include being hated by me, and umm... that's it, really.
Anyway, Congratulations to all of the winners. And until next time, remember to get your MySpace using friends spayed or neutered.
*Note: By "sponsored by Level 3 Communications," I mean "sponsored by a stockholder of Level 3 Communications." Namely, me. For those of you who don't get the joke, Level 3 is one of the biggest internet backbone providers in the country. Basically, they provide bandwidth to places like AOL and other ISPs.
posted by Khorbin at 3:25 AM
6 Comments:
Oh, from now on make sure to save the pictures and then upload them. Sometimes they won't show up if you don't do that.
Sorry about that, I'll do that next time. It's just a lot less work this way.
Plus I always test in Firefox and IE to make sure the images work and don't fuck up the layout, so I figured it wouldn't be an issue.
Live and learn, I guess.
On another note, I wish I still had my MySpace account, I'd create an image to put in these peoples' comment areas and alert them to their reaching the pinnacle of MySpace "success."
Oh well. I don't like spam, but maybe someday.
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